from such great heights

plugged in

Posted in life by chapwoman on February 14, 2008

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” -Philippians 4:13

Faith is such a difficult concept for me to grasp. Still. And I’ve known God all my life. I know that He has imminent power over all, I know He is incredibly merciful, I know He saves. So why do I fall short and doubt Him as much as I trust?

Looking back to the start of this year, I remember how I’d put all my trust in God to just take care of me and drop people into my life who would be amazing, strong Christians. People who would push me to be a better example of His character. Those first few months, I felt so void of meaningful relationships and couldn’t stand being away from my two best friends, being away from my family and everyone who knew me. It felt as though I had lost my entire identity: my geographic, physical, and emotional identity. I was no longer the 18-year-old blonde girl from Anaheim with an amazing group of friends to surround her; I was a brunette freshman studying architecture in San Luis Obispo who thought she knew others. “Displaced.” That’s what I was.

But coming back after Christmas Break, I felt the exact same way about being home. It’s almost as though the tables turned since I packed my suitcases on December 7th. Now I know I belong at Cal Poly. I am that girl in class who works her butt off because she wants to, I am artistic, I am blunt, I am part of a group of friends who know me well and care enough to push me to be a stronger Christian. And when I think back to my month off at home, I truly felt displaced. It was the oddest thing, coming back to a place I remember so well, and feeling completely outside the circle. That comfy, Christian environment was void when I hung out at home and I realized for the first time that among my high school friends, the people I cared for most, I did not have a close relationship with one believer.

I fell really hard after that.

Why hadn’t I taken the chance to witness to my friends during those six years at Oxford? I regret it now, but at the time, I just didn’t want to scare them away or give God a bad reputation, the reputation so many over-zealous evangelists give and plague Christianity with. I always figured that if Kayleigh or Alaska ever had any questions to ask me, they would. I figured being a living example of God’s love would be enough for them to realize that He’s exactly what they need to find the meaning of life. But they never did ask and I couldn’t be the catalyst for such a drastic change in their lives, by simply living mine and not sharing the Gospel. So often we shared our innermost thoughts about why people act the way they do, about our greatest fears, about our insecurities; we had several deep conversations at La Creperie and over coffee.

But at the same time, we’ve never had a deep conversation. And that just tears me up.

I pray that God inspires me to be more faithful and doubt Him less. I pray that I get rid of these fears of what my friends will think of me if I actually start that deep conversation and ask the tough questions. Even if they don’t want to have that conversation, they need to hear it. And not discussing the Gospel with my friends is basically a slap in God’s face isn’t it? I’d be doubting the creator of this universe, and that’s kinda ridiculous.

I have some amazing friends at home that need to hear the truth.
Pray for me.
Pray for them.

C’est la vie,


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